October 10, 2006
Well, the plan for yesterday worked very well, actually. A new mix and wow, look at that, I’m re-motivated. I even ran tonight on what was supposed to be my night off.
I’m kind of sad, really, that a new mix is what worked. I think know that a lot of it has to do with my disappointment from the Godsmack concert. Do not get me wrong. It was so freakin’ awesome to have the short conversations I had with Shannon, Robbie and Tony; but not being able to meet Sully was a huge let down. I don’t even think I’m going to be able to meet him in Reno, as with the holidays coming and The Girlie’s dance company really revving up and I just don’t think that I want to spend the money again.
Sidenote: A) It feels really great to have a set group of dance moms again. I’ve missed that a lot. I am really enjoying getting to know these new ladies and B) we all sat there tonight, calculating what we would be paying for the next few months, what with the uniform fee, recital fee, costume fees, King’s game tickets (they’re performing in a pre-game show), Bonfante Garden tickets and teachers fees and we all just sat there, kind of shell-shocked. One of them joked “We could open our own dance studio!”
So, yeah. It’s that whole thing of yes, we could afford it, but what are we trying to teach The Girlie? Priorities, priorities, priorities.
So, sadly, again, I feel that affecting my Godsmack love and the need to listen to them while running. So, the new mix yesterday worked pretty well.
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And it’s not just the Godsmack love, I also feel a change coming on in the way I approach my weightloss and running.
It’s obvious that a huge part of my motivation over the past year to year and a half has been external. When I label more than half of my running songs as “Grudge Runs”, then it’s pretty obvious that I’m running for reasons outside of myself.
I came up with the term “Grudge Run” after listening to Rob and Arnie talk about their Grudge Humps. Women who they would have sex with, just so they could do dirty things to them out of spite.
For me, a Grudge Run is similar. A song that fuels me to run to get out the anger, hatred and bitterness that is coursing through my body over any given situation. I ran not just for the positive physical benefits that obviously come with the exercise, but the positive emotional benefits as well.
Best summed up in Awake: “Take another second, turn your back on me and make believe you’re always happy. It’s safe to say, you’re never alive, a big part of you has died and by the way, I hope you’re satisfied.”
That’s the gist anyway.
So, that worked well for me for about a year. That and therapy.
Now I find myself in a very weird and unfamiliar position of actually being over the situation that caused all that hurt and anger. So, with that motivation gone, the running motivation has needed to shift.
And that’s why yesterday’s mix worked. As much as I hate to say it. As much as I hate to admit it. As much as I am trying to deny it, now it’s time that this whole thing becomes about me.
Despite the fact that I had to deal with hurt and anger and bitterness over the past year, I feel like it was nothing compared to what I have to look forward to dealing with for the second half of this journey.
This time, it really is all about me. No more hurt. No more anger. No more bitterness.
It’s simply time to believe in myself and believe that I can do it. Several people got me here, now’s the time for me to carry myself the rest of the way.
I hope I can do it.
Yes, I’m grounded
Got my wings clipped
I’m surrounded
By all this pavement
Guess I’ll circle
While I’m waiting
For my fuse to dry
Some day I’ll fly
Some day I’ll soar
Some day I’ll be
Something much more
Because I’m bigger than my body
Gives me credit for
I’m bigger than my body
Now