July 25, 2006
And now, to this year. The same thoughts swirling around and sabotaging me all over the place.
July 23, 2006
Been thinking a lot lately about the weight loss, where I am and where I’ll go from here. I am back into 20/22 pants. I bought a pair of jean shorts in a 20. JEANS. That’s always a tricky thing because cotton/linen/rayon/polyester pants can be forgiving and you can sometimes squeeze into a smaller size. But Jeans? Jeans do not forgive. If you aren’t in the size, you are not getting them zipped. I got these zipped. They are SLIGHTLY tight, but won’t be for long. As for the shirts, I could have bought a 14/16, but didn’t want to wear something quite that tight. So, I’m officially in 18/20 in shirts. And now? I’m kind of stalling and doing that 8 pound dance again. Losing and gaining the same 8 pounds over and over again.
Wait a minute
Can’t you see
What this pain has done to me?
I realized in the car tonight that it is a protection thing for me. I don’t know where to go from here. Really. I mean, I guess just smaller, but I don’t know what that means. It’s been so long since I’ve been here. High school probably? I don’t know what I’ll look like. I don’t know how to act. How to be.
I’m alive, but I’m slipping
What you see, I cannot see
And maybe you’ll think before you speak
I want to be someone worthy of inspiration. I want to be real, intelligent, inspiring and motivating. I want to be worthy of this beautiful body and beautiful life that I am manifesting and creating. I want to have these lessons mainlined right into my brain. I want to know it all right now.
I’m alive
For you, I’m awake
Because of you, I’m alive
Told you, I’m awake
Swallowing you
There’s so much I don’t know. There’s so much I need to learn. I’ve always been the fat, lazy, dumb girl who never fulfilled her potential. I don’t know how to be the strong, knowledgable, classy, active, fit, inspiring and motivating girl.
Take a second
Turn your back on me
And make me believe
So, I’m at that threshold. It’s keeping me stuck here. I want to move forward and step into this new life, but I don’t know how.
It’s safe to say
You’re never alive
A big part of you has died
And by the way
I hope you’re satisfied
I am petrified. Excited, but scared. I don’t know how it feels to matter. I don’t recognize that feeling. I don’t know how to preserve it and not destroy it. “If you give your friends the best part of yourself, they will give the same back to you.” Everything’s possible.
I’m alive
For you, I’m awake
Because of you, I’m alive
Told you, I’m awake
Swallowing you
I need to let go of the fear and live it. Shoulders back, head high, smile radiant. The best way to matter is to believe you do. I get that “be yourself” thought a lot. But I feel like I have ”been myself” for so long and it’s just not working for me. I don’t want to become someone else, per se’, but in a sense, I am. I need to figure that all out.
I’m alive
For you, I’m awake
Becaue of you, I’m alive
Told you, I’m awake
Swallowing you
*******
Asleep
(Awake - acoustically)
Godsmack
And move past it. C’mon. Let’s go. Let’s figure it out as we lose another 50, 75, 100 pounds. Stop stalling. Let’s have fun by getting there and figuring it out then. Or on the way, even. The point is: I need to stop standing here.
I dare you to move.