July 31, 2006
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you
**************
Fix You
ColdPlay
Goddess Gather was this weekend. It was interesting. I haven’t seen a majority of those people in a year and only one or two made mention of my weight loss. I went back and forth all weekend with how I felt about that, especially given the “Who am I?!?!” crisis I’ve been having and I think I’ve decided that I should just get over it. I had a couple of conversations with people about it, so that was nice. I think the part that bothered me the most is that there was a woman there who is a life coach. I’d signed up for some lessons with her last year and only completed four of the six that I’d signed up for, because I was not getting much out of it. I wanted a little guidance on my weight issues, but each of the sessions were geared more toward compassion and forgiveness for different situations that I was going through. Situations that I wasn’t ready to work on. So, I bailed on the sessions. This weekend, I think I was bothered most by the fact that she didn’t really speak to me all weekend. Not even just in regards to my weight, but at all. Of all of the people whom I thought would have said something, I thought it would have been her, but nope. Nada, so whatever. Again, I think I just need to get over it.
The good part about the weekend, is the individual horoscope/astrological reading that we all receive in one of the workshops. It’s really very quick, so there wasn’t a ton of information, but Antonia hit things pretty right on for me. Of course, I’m having trouble reading my notes, so this may not be exact, but she said something about being dramatic (shut it) and that I lead a world serving life of service and that I move through service. I am a show-off, but with a medium in between. I want people to see the medium, and don’t allow people to see me personally.
There were some other Things, but it was the above that really resonated with me. In fact, shortly after the reading, I wrote: “Exactly what I’ve been dealing with. The visibility issue. I want to show off, but don’t want opeople to see me, but what I do. I need to allow people to see me. Get over feeling like the dumb girl who people cannot learn from. I know how to be fit and healthy. I do know things and have things to share. People can learn from me. Not just from what I do, but from me. Remember that fortune cookie? ‘You stand in your own light. Make it shine.’”
It’s realizing that I have really been acting this way regarding everything I’ve gone through in the past year. Look at the 121 pounds I’ve lost. Look at the 5K I’ve run. Look at the seven sizes I’ve dropped. Look at how loose my rings are. Look at this and that, but don’t look at me! DON’T!
Right, she even said in the reading: “You have a problem with feeling ‘I don’t really know enough.’ You need to get over it.”
And I do.
*******
And here’s where I go a little backwards. Before we left for Goddess Gather, I went to three Weight Watchers meetings. I was not in good space at all last week. The one that helped the most was, of course, the one with my now-permanent leader, B. She told me straight up: “You need to take a break and get used to yourself at this size.” She wrote “TIME OUT” really big on my weigh-in chart and I told her that this is the conclusion I’d been coming to anyway.
She was so glad that I didn’t shy away from the thought of taking a break. I think I might have if I hadn’t already been journaling and coming to the same conclusion myself, but that’s obviously not the case. I started to write things down while we were away, but decided to really just not worry about it. If I was going to take some time off, I figured I would take the time off.
I didn’t go crazy and eat a ton of crap, but I also didn’t eat like I would have if I was doing this all serious, like I was a year ago. And now, as much as I blast people for the “I’m starting tomorrow” mindset with which they approach dieting and goals, that is where I am. I figure that July is a wash. I had my huge loss, then gained it back and I think my net loss for the month will be a whopping ZERO. Of course, I am happy about the fact that I won’t have a gain either. I maintained through the month.
So, I’m just getting through this day without worrying too much more about things and tomorrow I am going to restart tracking faithfully and will be getting back into a very routine exercise program. I have these running goals and I really would like to hit them as soon as I can. So, I’m back into it big-time. The first of the month seems like a good time, eh?
*******
So, no month-end stats this month and I probably won’t take any pictures either. Instead, I am doing like B said, and trying to get used to myself as I am now before I work to move beyond this and into new territory.
Getting back to my mantra: I am the Goddess, I am the Light.
And adding more to it: I am worthy.
I am the Goddess, I am the Light, I am worthy.